Being a stay-at-home mother...

Let's get right down to the first post shall we?

First, my name is Amanda. I am fresh into my 30's and so far, I feel my first 30 years have been a story and a half. I've seen many things, but there is so much I haven't. I am married to my high school sweetheart of 14 years, married six years this coming Thursday. We now have two children together who amaze me every day just being themselves. It's crazy having two children who are equal parts you and someone else, but 100% themselves.

It's hard speaking about myself as most days, I feel like a fairly boring person even if I have a very colorful mind. We moved nearly two hours away from "home" about 9 years ago. I still have yet to make a friend who wants to know everything about me. I still have yet to find that connection where I am and I  have no desire right now. Is that wrong? Being okay without friends? Being a stay at home mother, I have no physical friends and I am okay with that. I made one friend since being here but she has since moved away. My husband is my best friend. My children are growing to be my friends also, though, sometimes I don't like them much. That's also normal. Kids are... well... new to this. Makes it hard to get through the day to day without delays, broken thoughts, multiple messes made over and over again. I definitely love them, but some times I don't like them. I'm sure they love me and sometimes don't like me much either. That's part of most relationships, though.

I am amazed that my body created them, that I carried them, birthed them. Being a woman is fascinating. The ability to create life, hold life, nurture life, to literally break our bodies in half to bring a life into the world. It fascinates me. I always felt I was meant to be a mother, I longed for it. I never thought much about it until my younger sisters were born but once I saw babies in a different way, in a more personal way, it was clear I needed to be a mother. Once we were married and made the decision to start our family, child care came into the conversation. My husband suggested that I stay home as I was already home to attend college online and he was making enough to support us. I still have no idea how we did it because "enough to support us" really wasn't much.

Being a stay at home mother has it's perks and it's downfalls. To me, time is money, so spending time at home while making money was a must. I do know being a stay at home mother is a job in itself, but I must be doing more with my time. I would work five jobs if it meant my kids got to stay home. It's just one of those things that are important to me, a child raised at home. If my husband lost his job, I'd go back to work having 18 hour days, alongside my online business, even if it meant having half of what my husband brings in. I would work to provide for my family. I would work because I enjoy working. But I enjoy working at home more. It just makes sense in our busy world. It has the potential to make me more money than "working for the man" and gives me more freedom.

My favorite parts of staying home are watching cartoons I enjoyed when I was my children's age, watching their fascination, knowing I was just as fascinated way-back-when. Hearing their big dreams, questions, listening to the things that expand my own brain and force me to research and think outside the box. I love that my blanket fort skills don't go to waste in adulthood. I love that someone thinks my terrible jokes are funny, because, let's face it, food puns and knock-knock jokes never go out of style, people just become sticks in the mud as they age.

But being a stay at home mother also has it's downfalls. Most days I am spread so thin. Most days I don't eat a warm meal that doesn't have baby fingers all through it. Some days I am lucky if I eat more than the leftover crumbs of my children's meals. Most of my day consists of food - preparing food, cooking food, storing food, buying food, growing food, researching food, washing food off clothing, cleaning up food off the floor, table, chair, ceiling, windows... You'd be surprised the places you find food once you become a parent. Really, really surprised.

Most days, I make a pot of coffee and lose my cup, pour another, lose that one, find the first one, drink cold coffee, then lose it again in the midst of daily mom tasks. Most days, I forget the last time I had a shower. I have stains on every article of clothing I own, I have baskets upon baskets of clean laundry floating around the house. I'm sure that I've rewashed the same clean clothing multiple times this month because of said baskets. I have dishes by the sink that never seem to get fully finished. I just cleaned the counters last night and they're dirty again and I am pretty sure nobody went near them. I think trolls come in at night and trash the place. It's the only explanation...

I am a mess most days - a train wreck of emotions, clash of mismatched clothing, messy hair, and crooked glasses. And even on the worst days with the most house work, I would never take back these five years I've had at home with my children. We made many sacrifices for me to stay home, but I think it would have been a far bigger sacrifice have someone else raising our children rather than making the sacrifices financially to adjust. I thank my husband each day - the good, the bad, the in between. He's worked so hard for me to raise our children. He comes home to his train wreck of a wife and still showers her in love. He still thinks I am the most beautiful woman he's seen. He appreciates the little things I do along with the big things. That's a big deal to me. To have that love, that appreciation, that acceptance of who I am even through the worst days. To still look at me at my worst and love me his best. That's love.

Overall, being a stay at home mother has been what I was meant to do, but I feel not where I am meant to stay. Most days I wish I was at work instead (I'm sure some working mothers cannot imagine that feeling), but overall, I've loved watching my children grow and learn. I love being outside the home to work - small businesses, local businesses. I love the social interaction, I love seeing adults from time to time. I'm looking forward to the moment that I can replace my husband's income with my online business and still work outside the home just for a break, for my sanity. A job just for fun. The business I work online may very well end up branching into a physical business where I create huge events which will allow me the best of both worlds - both being at home AND being social. That's the end goal. But I truly have no idea what the future will bring.

I can't wait to just write now that the first blog post is done. The first blog post is the hardest. It's your basis of your entire blog, it's what everyone looks at first - where you began. I'm just beginning where my mind is working right now. My mind is set on being a stay at home mother. I'm at a crossroads and I must make a turn, but I'm making them blindly. One day at a time is all I can promise, so it's what I will give. If anyone has a suggestion of what to post next, leave me some comments! I will get to them all in time, I'm sure, but I can't wait to start writing again!

Stay tuned!